Tripped over this one: Christmas Rules . . .

[Charles Brennan]

Tripped over this one while looking for "Christmas At Sea" (posted elsewhere) and suddenly remembered the  outrage that inspired the rant.
Mellowed enough with age now, to actually miss those days  . . .  .

NEW CHRISTMAS RULES . . . .  .

Rule 1)   Those Damn'ed wire ties that hold kids toys in the box so they look all pretty and whatnot in the store, shall be reduced from 22-gauge wire to 28-gauge wire.
This is so Frustrated Disassemblers (read: Grandparents    ) can simply BUST them open, BEFORE they Lose Their Minds!   

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Attention Toy Manufacturers: You are only shipping these from China to America; NOT to Mars; we don't NEED 22-gauge wire to pin down an ounce of plastic.
We ESPECIALLY don't want to impart Bondage Fantasies into our GrandKiddies, from their first view of their New Toy.
("Oooh, Look Grandma! Barbie's all tied up!"  )
The Therapy's just wayyyyyyyy too expensive. Costs even more than the toy.

Rule 2) Child's Toy Batteries will come with a new Form Factor and Voltage Ampacity.

Rule 3) Batteries shall be designated as: Child's Toy Battery and shall be only ONE size.
NOT AAA, AA, C, D (or, whichever one you DON'T have in the drawer) or any OTHER battery that can be stolen from badly needed appliances and un-discovered until the middle of a Hurricane.
 
Rule 4) Battery form factor shall be asymmetrical in all planes (no dumb button-end and flat-end, like AA, C or D-cells) so as to permit intuitive one-way installation, only.

Rule 5) Ampacity shall be sufficient to run the Damn'ed Toy for MORE than 15 minutes.
If this means you have to go to fuel-cells, so be it. 
Fuel-cell technology won't appreciably affect the price we're already paying for toys now, anyway.

Rule 6)  Under NO circumstances should a kid's toy be ABLE to use ANY battery, that ALSO works inside a portable GPS or VHF! 

Rule 7)   All Marketing shall take into account: "Kid-ness".
It's all very well to market the box with a plastic front, but EVERYBODY knows Kids would rather play with the box than the toy and those plastic edges can make cuts that can rival the best surgical-steel scalpels.
(Somebody go get another band-aid for Grandpa!    )

While everyone knows that the three things for a successful Kid's toy are:
A) Must have a Bazillion pieces.
B) Must Move.
C) Must make Noise.

Rule 8 ) Since almost ALL these new-fangled gadgets have a remote, they MUST also include a "Grandparent Emergency Remote" that disables the racket.
Failing that, they MUST sense the presence of OTHER noisy toys and shut off their sounds automatically, unless or until no other toys are operating.

Rule 9)  With ALL these new-fangled micro-processors and computing horse-power and Artificial Intelligence, they STILL don't have a toy smart enough to assemble ITSELF?!?!? 

Rule 10) "Retro Toys" shall be brought out oftener than every other generation.
Aren't we about due again, for something like a "Sally Stupid" doll?   
It doesn't walk, talk, wet itself, move, transform itself suddenly into a hideous robot, speak, sing, or do ANYTHING!!   
It has yarn hair, a painted-on smile, shoe-button eyes and it just LAYS there!

Pretty sure I'm having a Merry Christmas . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 
Just can't quite hear myself THINK, to know for sure!  
Charles Brennan

[Riley Smith]

The noise level goes up exponentially to the ages of the recipient of the presents! Imma send this list to my congressman immediately and demand action! And I'm all bent out of shape because my grandson wouldn't let me play with his helicopter 🤔

[Spot]

CB, LOL!

My granddaughter got a small toy 'chop saw' from the 'dollar' (now $1.25) store.
2 x AA batteries, noise level is almost too quiet, lights up red and whirrs when the handle is pulled down. They make a matching drill press. At 2 and 1/4, she knows enough about electricity that she makes her Dad change the batteries on her other toys when they wear out.

Riley, I hope you get a turn on the helicopter...

[Captain Kidd]

Favorite toy this year was a robot for our 5 yo autistic grandson. I was all too happy to pull out 3 AA batteries purchased at the $1.25 store. It lights up, rolls around, makes noise and the gs loves it!