Heloise Hinckley’s Helpful Hints Column #207

[Charles Brennan]

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Dear Heloise Hinckley,
I been sailing my Catboat all over the Pascagoula, Escatawpa and Tchoutacabouffa rivers in Mississippi!
But I'm having problems with river tannins staining my hull and my brand-spankin' new Honda motor. 
What should I do?
(Signed),
Riley

Dear Really,

SERIOUSLY?!?!?
You're sailing in all those unpronounceable rivers?
What is WITH you?   
Look: In Mississippi, you sail in the Mississippi river, in Miami, you sail in the Miami river, in Colorado, you sail in the Colorado river!!
Sensing a theme, yet? 

Where are those rivers even located, anyway?
Heloise Hinckley thinks you MADE THEM UP! 
Tell the truth! You just took a can of alphabet soup and threw it at a Geodetic Survey Chart, didn't ya?  Personally, Heloise Hinckley thinks what you really did was, you missed a channel marker and won't own up to your mistakes in navigation!! 

Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hint for the Day:
To remove pesky tannin stains, take multiple rounds of double-ought buck to the waterline . . . .

Sincerely,
Heloise Hinckley

Dear Heloise Hinckley,
I recently started dating this woman that I hoped to take sailing with me.
After I took her to my favorite barbecue joint, she informed me she didn't eat meat, only vegetables.
I asked her if she was sorry for the animals, or if she just hated plants.
Was not a Good Move.   
Then, when I introduced her to my friends as a Vegetarian, she informed me that I was wrong, she was actually a Vegan.
I'm confused.
What's the difference between a Vegan and a Vegetarian?
(Signed),
Bob Kew


Dear Barbecue,

The difference between a Vegan and a Vegetarian is simple:
On a Vegan's body, you can count 4 more ribs.

Sincerely,
Heloise Hinckley


Dear Heloise Hinckley,
Oh, Yeah?
Well, I just looked on a Florida map and YOU guys got the Withlacoochee, Ocklawaha, and Waccasassa Rivers!  So, THERE!!   
(Signed),
Really

Dear Riley,

Yes, we do have those rivers, but we have more sense, than to try and SAIL in them!!
You got the WHOLE GULF OF MEXICO to sail in and you wanna try and sail in a Creek with an Attitude?!?!?!?
Get Real.

Sincerely,
Heloise Hinckley


Dear Heloise Hinckley,
I thought I would practice sailing on a windy day.
(Signed),
Doug

Dear  Doug,

Good move.
Practicing on the days where there ISN'T any wind, gets really boring!!

Sincerely,
Heloise Hinckley


Dear Heloise Hinckley,
I bought this sail for my Precision and I'm slightly bothered by the 3 or 4 unused inches that it leaves on the boom.
What should I do? 
(Signed),
Wave Wrangler

Dear Boom Buster,

Oh! THAT one's SIMPLE!!
Take a hacksaw to the boom, about 3 or 4 inches from the end . . . . .

Sincerely,
Heloise Hinckley

[Doug SC]

Dear Windbag,
We have spent so many days bobbin in low wind instead of sailing lately that I had forgotten what it was like. We sure could have used you at the dock pontificating on those days. Have you ever had your hair redone? It seems out of fashion.
Seriously
Doug SC 

[Riley Smith]

You get a mélange of languages in this area, some of them even dead, and it begins when you learn your ABCs in elementary. Fer instance, I fish off Graveline Bayou. Hmmm...you say, that's sort of a strange name. And you'd be right because it isn't pronounced the way it looks. Pretty much like Gautier. Oh Man! Google Maps (voice) has mangled that name more times than I can count!
The nearest meaning I can find that makes any sense, Escatawpa means "good cane" from the indigenous. Gautier is a French family, and nobody knows why it's Gravel/Lene. I came from the Yacanookany, in the interior, and again indigenous.
The "fer" above, substituted for  "for", is a nod to the Appalachian culture. Yeah, and so you can imagine why we talk weird    We manage to get on pretty much all the water here too, and if it is there, someone had been there too. And some of those fine moments in life have been spent on one that outsiders can't pronounce


 

[Wayne Howard]

I'll see your weird, Riley and raise you a HUH?  In Houston, there is a street named Elgin. Out Highway 290 west nearly to Austin is the town of Elgin. The street is pronounced L-Jin and the town is pronounced L-Gin with a hard G. And the locals get upset if you say it wrong.

[tjspiel]

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Dear Heloise Hinckley,
I bought this sail for my Precision and I'm slightly bothered by the 3 or 4 unused inches that it leaves on the boom.
What should I do? 
(Signed),
Wave Wrangler

Dear Boom Buster,

Oh! THAT one's SIMPLE!!
Take a hacksaw to the boom, about 3 or 4 inches from the end . . . . .

Sincerely,
Heloise Hinckley

Can't believe I didn't think of that. So simple yet so effective.

[Charles Brennan]

Dear Dug,

Dear Windbag

How DARE you refer to pore ole Heloise Hinckley, as a bag pipe! 
To be sure, the HH family tree does have Scot, Irish, English and Welsh (clearly, HH's ancestors would sleep with anybody!)  but Heloise Hinckley has NEVER had ANYTHING to do with bagpipes.

Have you ever had your hair redone? It seems out of fashion.

What a sexist-ageist-misogynistic question!! 
Ann Landers has had the same hairstyle for DECADES, and Dear Abby too, and nobody ever asks THEM about their hair style!!
Heloise Hinckley can't help but notice that in all your camping, kayaking and sailing pics, you are always wearing a HAT!!
What are YOU hiding, huh?   

Heloise Hinckely's Helpful Hint for Today:
To improve trip report pics, try exchanging a Tilley hat, or baseball cap, for a beekeepers headdress!
So, THERE!! 

Sincerely,
Heloise Hinckley

[Doug SC]

Dear Righteous,

I could be perceived as guilty of two of the 3, but Misogynistic I am not! I do so appreciate CB's perv photos. I was only suggesting you might enjoy a new look. Ah, the print medium can often be misinterpreted. It also seems what a man says, and a woman hears can be based on wildly different interpretations. By the way I am a big fan of bag pipes.

Yes, it is true I am a man of many hats! As a longtime beekeeper and when working construction, the pith helmet is a favorite of mine. I like the woven ones as they are cooler during the summer. My top is indeed thinning, and needs to take refuge from the sun, cold, or rain when possible. I appreciate your concern.

I had hoped to post a photo of me wearing a pith helmet, but for some reason the photo attachment isn't working for me. You wouldn't have anything to do with that would you?

 
Yours Truly
Doug SC

[Macsp21]

This post was entertaining.

[Norm L.]

It is well known that getting good Indian pith now is very difficult. It can be replaced with cork.
Since many wineries have gone to plastic corks or screw caps Portuguese cork can be bought cheaply.
Anyone who can build a kayak or small sailboat should be able to build a helmet out of cork.

However, I don't think anyone makes cork helmet construction plans.